It’s no wonder so many of us lack adequate conversation skills. Some of our oldest memories still haunt and influence us as adults. Because of our earliest training, we are predisposed to refrain from initiating a conversation. When we were impressionable toddlers, our parents taught us:
- Good things come to those who wait.
- Silence is golden.
- Wait to be properly introduced.
- Don’t talk to strangers.
Those messages served us well as kids; the advice helped ensure our safety and taught us manners. But now, as adults, our safety isn't at stake with every new person we meet! And by now our manners are well established. The time has come to replace those old messages with more relevant advice. Here it is.....
IN SAFE SITUATIONS, MAKE IT A POINT TO TALK TO STRANGERS
To expand your circle of friends and colleagues, you must start engaging strangers and acquaintances in conversation. There is no other way. Strangers have the potential to become good friends, long-term clients, valued associates, and bridges to new experiences and other people. Start thinking of strangers as people who can bring new dimensions to your life, not as persons to be feared.
INTRODUCE YOURSELF
When was the last time someone properly introduced you to another person? The truth is that the host of a
gathering rarely takes the time to do so in a meaningful way. You've been to this kind of event. You go to a holiday open house hosted by an important client. The client greets you, takes your coat, visits for a minute, and shows you to the food. Your client departs to greet another guest, and you are left standing next to the shrimp cocktail, not knowing a single person in the room. If you wait for the host to come back and properly introduce you to some of the other guests, chances are your only new encounter will be with the shrimp.
Times have changed. People expect you to mingle on your own, introduce yourself, and take the initiative to get acquainted. As Babe Ruth said, “Don’t let the fear of striking out get in your way.” Remember, even your closest confidante was once a stranger. Take the risk. Walk up to someone and introduce yourself. Extend your hand, make eye contact, and smile saying, “Hello. My name is Deb Fine. It’s nice to meet you.” If you are a member of an association, chamber of commerce, fraternity or sorority, church or synagogue, you are probably aware of these organizations’ constant challenge of retaining membership. We join such organizations seeking out fellowship; we often leave or quit because we don’t find it. Instead, we perceive others as members of groups or cliques that won’t let us join. I think most of us can relate to the following poem, author unknown:
Thoughts from a New Member
I see you at the meetings,
but you never say hello.
You’re busy all the time you’re there
with those you really know.
I sit among the members,
yet I’m a lonely gal.
The new ones feel as strange as I;
the old ones pass us by.
Darn it, you folks urged us to join
and talked of fellowship,
You could just cross the room, you know,
but you never make the trip.
Can’t you just nod your head and smile
or stop and shake a hand,
Then go sit among your friends?
Now that I’d understand.
I’ll be at your next meeting,
and hope that you will spend
The time to introduce yourself,
I joined to be your friend.
SILENCE IS IMPOLITE
Spare yourself some pain and forget the adage that silence is golden. I first recognized the downside of silence while I was working as an engineer, side by side with a peer who had the same academic credentials, tenure, and work quality. We were considered equals in every sense of the word. However, my colleague was outgoing and conversational. Staff members in marketing, human resources, and quality control knew her name, as did executives at corporate headquarters. Our immediate supervisor noticed her and commented frequently on her work. When the time came for a promotion, she got it and I didn't. I simply wasn't as visible because I was so silent.
I later learned another costly lesson about silence. My friend Johnnie, a regional director with a Fortune 100 company, dragged me to all her company functions. Her boss, Bob, a senior vice president, attended these functions, too. I admired his poise and grace as he easily conversed with everyone. Bob’s self-confidence intimidated me so much that I rarely talked with him, despite my respect for him. Even when he approached me, I was too nervous to say much.
When I moved into engineering sales, I called on Bob to reintroduce myself and promote my employer’s services. Before I could even finish introducing myself, Bob blasted me, saying, “I can’t believe that you’re calling me. We've been at the same parties a dozen times, and you've ignored me at every one. You're the biggest snob I know. I have no interest in buying anything from you.” Needless to say, I was stunned and horrified by his reaction. It had never occurred to me that shyness could be mistaken for arrogance. While shyness and arrogance are worlds apart, the visible manifestation of each can appear the same. People generally do not give others the benefit of the doubt in this regard. Don’t risk being taken as haughty or pretentious by keeping silent; it can cost you dearly. Start small talking and let others see your personality. You know how much you appreciate the efforts others put forth in conversation. Make the same effort. Contrary to what your elders taught you, silence is not golden.
GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO GO GET THEM!
Waiting will net you a bunch of lost time. You have to take the initiative. Don’t spend another minute thinking that if you just keep waiting, interesting people will introduce themselves. It’s never going to happen. Out of habit, and to make things easy on ourselves, we seek out someone we know—a colleague, a client, even a competitor. We are comfortable with these people because they attend the same functions, know the same jargon, and are trying to reach the same decision-makers. We end up paying forty dollars to attend an event and then seek out people we already know because it’s less threatening. Yet the purpose of the event was to make new contacts.
If ever there was a place you’d expect people to mingle, it’s a singles event. Yet they are notorious for attracting wallflowers. Most people at singles events—including myself in a former life—spend most of their time uncomfortably waiting around and scanning the crowd for a friend. When a friend appears, they immediately spend the evening hanging out together. If they wanted to be with each other, why didn't they just go out on a date? If they don’t want to date each other, what are they doing spending the evening together? They’re talking! Yes, talking—it’s easy, comfortable, and safe. It is, however, no way to meet someone new and spark a romance!
Good things come to those who take action and start creating good things. American movie star, commentator, and folk legend Will Rogers nailed it when he said, “Go out on a limb. That’s where all the fruit is.” Although it might be scary to climb out from the safety of the trunk, you’ll rarely pluck the sweet fruit by waiting there.
IT’S UP TO YOU TO START A CONVERSATION
Do you know the biggest social fear in America? It’s public speaking. And do you know the second? It’s fear of starting a conversation with a stranger. So remember when you walk into a luncheon or a cocktail party, most people there are scared to death to talk to you. Fear of rejection keeps many of us from risking conversation, but the probability of rejection is actually quite small. In the unlikely event that your efforts are unappreciated, remember that it’s doubtful you’ll ever see that person again. You will be the hero if you start the conversation. You will gain stature, respect, and rapport if you can get the conversation going. Almost always, people will embrace your efforts and appreciate your leadership and friendship.
IT’S UP TO YOU TO ASSUME THE BURDEN OF CONVERSATION
If you generally wait for someone else to take the initiative in a conversation, you have been self-centered. It’s true! You have allowed your own comfort to take precedence over every other person’s. You haven’t been doing your fair share of the work. If you've largely ignored your conversational responsibilities, it’s time to take ownership. You cannot rely on the other person to carry the conversation for you—a monologue is a chore and seldom very interesting. Furthermore, one-word answers to questions do not count as shouldering your share of the burden.
The first step in becoming a great conversationalist is becoming invested in the conversation and actively working to help the other person feel comfortable. Take a look at the list of icebreaker questions that follow and make a commitment to use at least four of them in your next conversation. If you’re afraid you won’t remember them, write them down, put them in your pocket, and refer to them before you to go into the event. If you go blank while you’re there, excuse yourself for a moment and walk into the restroom to take a peek at your list. The most famous and worn-out icebreaker is that age-old question What do you do for a living? It’s so standard that it didn't make the icebreaker list. Here are some other ways to begin a conversation that will provide a refreshing diversion from shoptalk. You’ll never ask them all, just the ones that seem appropriate for the particular conversation and time. And be prepared to reciprocate, since your conversation partner is likely to return whatever questions you pose.
BUSINESS ICEBREAKER EXAMPLES
1. Describe a typical day on the job.
2. How did you come up with this idea?
3. What got you started in this industry/area of practice?
4. What got you interested in marketing/research/teaching?
5. What do you enjoy most about your profession?
6. What separates you and your firm from your competition?
7. Why does your company______?
8. Describe some of the challenges of your profession.
9. What do you see as the coming trends in your business?
10. What ways have you found to be most effective for promoting your business?
11. Describe your most important work experience.
12. What advice would you give someone just starting in your business?
13. What one thing would you do if you knew you could not fail?
14. What significant changes have you seen take place in your business since your start?
15. Describe the strangest incident you’ve experienced in your business.
16. What was the best job you ever had? What was the worst?
17. What’s the most difficult part of your job?
18. How has the Internet impacted your work/profession?
19. Do you know someone who can help me ______?
20. Describe how the economy/election/summer impacts your work.
SOCIAL/GENERAL ICEBREAKER EXAMPLES
1. What do you think of the movie/restaurant/party?
2. Tell me about the best vacation you’ve ever taken.
3. What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?
4. If you could replay any moment in your life, what would it be?
5. What one thing would you really like to own? Why?
6. Tell me about one of your favorite relatives.
7. What was it like in the town where you grew up?
8. What would you like to come back as in your next life?
9. Tell me about your kids.
10. What do you think is the perfect age? Why?
11. What is a typical day like for you?
12. Of all the places you've lived, tell me about the one you like the best.
13. What’s your favorite holiday? What do you enjoy about it?
14. What are some of your family traditions that you particularly enjoy?
15. Tell me about the first car you ever bought.
16. How has the Internet affected your life?
17. Who were your idols as a kid? Have they changed?
18. Describe a memorable teacher you had.
19. Tell me about a movie/book you've seen or read more than once.
20. What’s your favorite restaurant? Why?
21. Tell me why you were named ______. What is the origin of your last name?
22. Tell me about a place you've visited that you hope never to return to.
23. What’s the best surprise you've ever received?
24. What’s the neatest surprise you've ever planned and pulled off for someone else?
25. Skiing here is always challenging. What are some of your favorite places to ski?
26. Who would star as you in a movie about your life? Why that person?
27. Who is the most famous person you've met?
28. Tell me about some of your New Year’s resolutions.
29. What’s the most anti establishment thing you've ever done?
30. Describe a costume that you wore to a party.
31. Tell me about a political position you’d like to hold.
32. What song reminds you of an incident in your life?
33. What’s the most memorable meal you've eaten?
34. What’s the most unforgettable coincidence you've experienced or heard about?
35. How are you able to tell if that melon is ripe?
36. What motion picture star would you like to interview? Why?
37. Tell me about your family.
38. What aroma brings forth a special memory?
39. Describe the scariest person you ever met.
40. What’s your favorite thing to do alone?
41. Tell me about a childhood friend who used to get you in trouble.
42. Tell me about a time when you had too much to eat or drink.
43. Describe your first away-from-home living quarters or experience.
44. Tell me about a time that you lost a job.
45. Share a memory of one of your grandparents.
46. Describe an embarrassing moment you've had.
47. Tell me something most people would never guess about you.
48. What would you do if you won a million dollars?
49. Describe your ideal weather and why.
50. How did you learn to ski/hang drywall/play piano?
Just try it...........
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